The Box

Before sitting down to write, I had a million things I could have started writing about. And now there is nothing. My mind is blank. As I look back at recent conversations, I've realized that as we transition from the world that was to the new world of what will be, we are all going through the neutral zone. I am a huge fan of William Bridges, the guru on transition. He says that during the neutral zone we are in the in-between time of when the old is gone and the new is not fully operational. We are realigning ourselves psychologically and repatterning our behaviour. We don't know what is ahead and there is a great deal of confusion and distress on so many levels. Never before have I felt such flux.

Not only are we in a pandemic and the world as we know it is changing, we are each going through our own personal transitions. Many of us are in isolation while navigating these transitions. Personally, I am navigating divorce - which means deconstructing everything I knew my life to have been and building something new. I had to learn so many new skills both physical and mental in order to survive this journey. I also had to unlearn patterns of thinking and behaviours. I built myself a suit of armour.

A few years ago, I learned how to set boundaries. Little did I know, that this new learning would change my life as I knew it. What I learned quickly was that people who are used to us being a certain way, don't like when we change. Especially when we start to believe in our self-worth, create boundaries and expect a certain level of respect. But once we learn these things, they can't be unlearned. I would say, learning to set boundaries has been the impetus for where I find myself today. And god, am I ever grateful for that.

Now it is about me. And that is ok. As I travel this new journey and work towards building a life that is meaningful to ME and something that my girls will be proud of, I constantly feel the pull back to the place I was before my lesson on boundaries. The only way I can describe this 'place' is a little box where I was meant to stay small as I always had. Since busting out of that box, I have been tested many times. Comments, attacks, insults are typically a trigger for me to feel like I need to or should retreat back into my box. I still struggle with it and retreat from time to time...but never all the way and not for long. Progress :).

What I take away from all of this, is that it is imperative that we honour ourselves. To fill ourselves up to the point where we can no longer fit in the box. If we can't fit in the box, we are forced to fight the triggers off. The way that I fill myself up, is to reflect on what is important to me, what I value, what I'm good at...to stay focused on that and to put it all into action. To work towards making a meaningful difference in this world. Through that, my goal is to never revisit that old, ugly box. To always lift other women up. To teach my girls that if they ever see that box, to run the fuck away and fast. To be so big and full of self...that they don't fit anyway.